Getting Back On The Horse

I had written a post a few months back about how it’s okay to change paths, and really, it is. I was at the point where I had such a negative experience with nursing school that I didn’t want to continue. I wanted to do something that made me feel excited. Heck, I still feel that way! I was convinced that I wasn’t going to finish school and graduate.

However, come June when all of my friends had graduated and they posted pictures with captions of “so proud to be finished!” or “finally a nurse”, I found myself having a difficult time with the thought of “that should be me in those pictures with them”.

I had a really hard time accepting that I had just spent the last four years in a program that I wouldn’t be finishing from. All my friends and family said: “Just go back in the fall you don’t have that much left!”. What they really didn’t know is the amount of negativity and self-doubt that I had gone through during my last clinical rotation. I didn’t want to go back because I was scared. Scared of doing something wrong or really failing. I was CERTAIN that I wasn’t going to go back. But again, seeing everyone graduate in June made me rethink my decision.

I had literally waited until the week that my pre-requirements were due (CPR, first aid, etc.) to decide that I wanted to go back. I had signed up for practicum (sh*t scared I may add) and I knew there was no turning back.

When September came, I hoped and prayed that I would get a good teacher. A teacher that would support me, encourage me when I had done something right instead of being negative at every little mistake I made without any positive reinforcement. I got lucky. REALLY lucky. I was placed with an instructor which is one of the kindest people I know and one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. She is such a caring person towards not only her students, but also the patients and it really shows. She is all about providing her students with experiences to enhance their knowledge. She planned meetings to meet with different people in the health care team (which for a nursing student, is very beneficial).

She made me want to come back. She made me feel like I was ACTUALLY helping people. She put emphasis on the care of patients and how to give them the best health care possible. She always said “you can learn and practice skills (IV’s, catheters, etc.), but you can’t learn how to be compassionate, you are born with it”. She also put emphasis on that patients won’t remember you by how you perfectly did a dressing change but by how you treated them during their time in the hospital.

After my rotation, I was actually excited to finish and felt like I actually could. So, I am so glad that I got back onto the horse.

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where yo are and change the ending”

– C.S Lewis

Now here I am, a couple days into practicum, three months from graduating, and it feels good. I still don’t know where this career will take. I don’t feel that I am destined to be a “front line nurse”. I want to have a job that is unique and I am able to use my creative side. With my degree, I realize that I can go wherever I want to go with my career, and that thought is really exciting.

With the self-reflection and realization that I don’t have to be a nurse just in the hospital, has me excited to see where I can go. I absolutely love helping people. I am excited to help patients and have them remember me for my kindness and comforting care.

EDIT:

With everything going on with the COVID-19 virus. The school has temporarily postponed senior practicum. I am not sure what this means for graduating, but we will see.

Thanks for giving this ~thought~ of mine a read!

xox

Carli 🙂